Have you ever taken a moment to just stop and listen to your thoughts? You know that incessant voice in your head that doesn’t know when to stop?
Its quite interesting the things you find yourself thinking about when you stop to listen. My mind has always been quite the chatter box. I figured that it was because I am a Pisces that I’m always in my head, so I guess I always had a lot to say to myself. Often times than not, the thoughts in my head are harmless. It usually just involves me day dreaming about some fantastical adventure. When I’m on my commute into work and I’m sitting on the train, I like to dream that I’m instead on the VIA rail rolling through the Rockies seeing the beauty of nature, or when I see an image of a beach I’m always imagine travelling back to my native Trinidad and Tobago and sitting by Maracas Bay eating shark and bake while watching the waves hit the sand ahhh…I can see it now. Its quite interesting that a lot of my thoughts are about travel and escape, to which I never really thought much about why that is. I always assumed it’s because there is some innate traveler in me wishing to jump out and be whisked away to some distant shore. And yet, as I set and listen to my thoughts I begin to realize that maybe all these dreams of escape are a metaphor for escaping my own mind.
You see as much as my mind fills me with joy and wonder about all the great things I can accomplish, and goals I can achieve, my mind also can cause me a lot of grief. My mind is always quick to assume a negative outcome for every situation. For example, sometimes when I make a joke with my friends through Whats App or BBM or what have you, as I await their reply, I often sit there wondering “will they find my joke funny?” “what if it’s offensive?” “I hope they don’t get mad” and so I find myself sitting there holding my breathe, wondering, waiting, hoping to see a anxiety reducing “LOL” after they are done writing their message. Its amazing that for something so trivial that our mind that grip us in such terror.
I don’t believe that my mind was always like this. Growing up I was always able to express myself, and had the confidence to say how I felt. I guess maybe that had to be due to the innocence of being a child. It was only as I got older and went to high school that my thought process began to change from one that was about standing up for what I believe, to one that agreed with others so that I didn’t stand out. You see when I started high school, it was a school where none of my friends went and I did not feel comfortable. So I tried my best to be inconspicuous. It seems to me that the habits of thinking that I developed while in high school have stuck with me till today. To this very day, conflict causes me to be incredibly anxious. I find it hard to sit down and say how I feel to someone because I feel that what I’m gonna say is going to make them upset. I often times imagine people getting so upset with me that they walk out my life. Although, perhaps this is an extreme outcome, the thought of it alone paralyzes me. My mind has learned to put what I want in the background, and to rationalize what the other person is saying as being correct and to go along with it.
I assure you that I know that this is not the right way to live my life, because at the rate I’m going, if I keep this up, I don’t know who’s life i’ll be living.
Breaking out of this process is something that I have decided I need to do. I need to engage myself again. Identify who I really am, and what am I really about. What do I really like, what goals do I want to achieve, more importantly what do i stand for? These are the things that should matter, and not what I believe someone will think of me for what I believe.
Someone I truly loved told me, that in order to break out of this I have to talk about it. To not be ashamed of what I am but to accept it and deal with it. I agree with her, and if she is reading this I to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support.
This blog is my way of saying to myself and the world that I will no longer allow anxiety to trap my mind body and spirit. I will no longer allow myself to be held back because of fear. I will embrace myself for who I am, and what I can achieve. I will be my own man.